My 18 Best Parenting Tips

In honor of my daughter's recent 18th Birthday, I thought I’d share my top 18 parenting tips with you, in no particular order.

Many of these I unfortunately had to learn from experience, in what not to do, so hopefully you will be able to avoid making some of the same mistakes I did.

Some of these could be elaborated on, so if you need some clarity on what I mean, or how to carry out any of these tips, please message me and I will be happy to guide you.

1. Teach them about God and Godly values openly and in practical ways
2. Focus on the emotion they are experiencing and not just the behavior
3. Focus on building character, and not always to keep them happy
4. Appreciate Parenthood as a gift from God, and not as a sacrificial chore
5. Making memories is much more important than spoiling them with bought things
6. Let them be bored, for therein lies their creativity and imagination
7. Always react to their tantrums in a calm voice and a firm tone
8. Acknowledge the effort as well, when celebrating achievements
9. Accept them for how God made them and don’t try to change them into you
10. Use every opportunity as a teaching moment and every experience as a life lesson
11. Discovery your child’s Love language and make sure show it daily
12. Teach your child respect, manners and self-control from an early age
13. Discipline with love, with consequences to change the behavior and not with punishment
14. Always be consistent, even when you don’t feel like it
15. Teach them that no always means no, but also be flexible to compromise
16. Limit their access to screens and gadgets and install security software to protect them
17. Never tolerate disrespect, defiance or purposeful disobedience
18. And last but not least, stay humble, be forgivable and keep trying with each day…

 

How to Disciple your Children

 

• As parents, we need to leave our children with a Spiritual legacy as well – so that they will grow up to have a faith of their own that they can stand on.
• Teaching children about God is a journey that needs to be partnered with the Holy Spirit
• Without the Holy Spirit, spiritual teaching becomes religious and boring – with the Holy Spirit, it becomes adventurous, fun and exciting.
• The Holy Spirit is our helper, comforter and guide in this journey with raising the next generation.
• We need to teach our children how to obey us, otherwise they will never learn how to obey God.
• We need to teach our children how to serve others and let them see how to be a good host.
• We need to let them see how we react to life’s pressures and how we receive people, especially strangers.
• We need to share our life’s ups and downs with them and show them how to express comfort.
• We need to teach them how to pray, and pray in the spirit in front of them so they won’t think its weird.
• We need to teach them how to reach out to the left behind, the lost and the new kids.
• We need to show them how to say sorry and how to forgive others. We need to be vulnerable in front of our kids and not be afraid to cry when we are sad.
• We need to have rules about how to react with anger – find out what helps them to calm down and get back their self-control (scream into a pillow, punch the pillow, music… etc)
• It is the parents’ responsibility to disciple – not the church and definitely not the school.
• The family also has a responsibility in helping to raise your children – Ubuntu movement is where the community gets involved. You are setting an example for other peoples’ children – not just your own.
• Don’t keep your children too busy with extra murals that they have no time to ‘see’ you doing life.
• To teach children life skills and Godly values, we need to show them how and why.
• We need to ask what the school is teaching them and correct and explain from a Godly world view – to give them clear direction and right any wrongs. Don’t let them get confused about their identity or gender – speak the truth from God’s word.
• It is hard work being a parent – we are their teachers, employed by God.
• We need to remember to teach our children that life’s goal and purpose is NOT to be happy and that life is still good when life is bad. Bad times build character.
• Being happy is not a human right – being joyful is a fruit of living a spiritual life well.
• We need to show and be the love of Christ to them – not always perfect, but perfect in love.
• We need to show our children how we worship God, not just at church, but at home as well, in song and dance – freely, and let them know why it is important.
• We need to analyse our priorities and free up time so we can have more time with our children. Change your routine if you have to, but without quality time together, there will be no chance to make any positive impact in their lives.
• Start listening to a new voice in your head – the Holy Spirit, for when you are spiritually minded, you will have life and peace, no matter what your circumstances.
• We need to start talking about what God means to us and share our testimonies with them, so we can stir up their faith.
• We need to let them see the power of the Holy Spirit with healing and miracles and teach them God’s promises, but be natural about it.
• We need to be interceding for our kids to help fight their battles for them, spiritually, so they can stand up strong physically.
• We need to teach them that sin and disobedience have consequences. Disciple and discipline come from the same Latin root word, pupil – the purpose of discipline is to teach them how to change their behaviour.
• We cannot disciple our kids well, if we are not first disciplined ourselves (in control)
• To show a good example, we must first be a good example. 
• IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO START…

Reference : Notes taken as per teaching by Alida Bornman - Shofar Church

Mothering God's Children

Motherhood is probably the hardest job in the world!  There will be times when you will want to resign from the job or run away from the responsiblity and stress of it all, but hang in there...

I want to share a tip that has helped me greatly and has changed the way I parent - it's by changing your attitude and your perspective of your relationship with your child.

When you parent your child as 'YOUR' child, you tend to take the burden of their behaviour very personally, and see it as a reflection of you, as a failling parent.

However, I have discovered that when you see your child as 'GOD's' child, you are less likely to take their behaviour personally, and more likely to react better, by being more patient and forgiving.

Sometimes when I'm having a really tough time with my teenage daughter, I literally imagine myself as 'babysitting' or looking after God's child and not mine.  If you think about it, our children do really belong to God.  He entrusts us to look after them whilst we are on earth, but ultimately they are God's children, and not ours alone.

Somehow, this perspective takes away the stress of the whole motherhood responsiblity in having to have all the answers, and allows us to cry out to God for help more - I have on more than one occasion pleaded with God to deal with His kids, when I have reached the end of my rope.

Then I've walk away and most times, when I return later, I find a different, apologetic child, knowing that God has stepped in to take charge of the situation.

Rules - Relationship = Rebellion

Yup, it's that obvious - when you impose rules on your children, without it coming from a loving relationship with them, it will most certainly lead to rebellion.  Children need to know that the rules or boundaries have been made for their benefit, not just to be cruel, but for a reason they are too young to fully understand yet.  Like, for example, bed-time... When your child says that we are mean to make them go to bed so early and all their friends go to bed so much later, we need to explain to them the consequences of sleep deprivation and the importance of getting enough sleep! 

In saying that, we as parents also need to make sure we are setting rules that do have a benefit, as quite often they don't.  Sometimes we set rules just because we had to live by them as children, with very little thought to the why.  Especially when you have a dictatorship parenting style, often rules are made just to show who's boss - especially with all those 'No' rules.  I believe it's time we as parent's start to analyze the rules we have in our home, and to throw out or adjust them accordingly.   We live in a new generation, so we need to adapt to our children's needs, setting boundaries and rules to keep them from harming themselves, both physically and emotionally.  Rules and boundaries are what make's a child feel safe, so it's up to us to set the right ones and make sure that there are effective consequences in place for when they break them - but always to be enforced and administered with love!!

When your child says they hate you...

I have heard it said that if your child hates you, then you can be proud that you are doing a good job as a parent! If they haven't said it to your face, then rest assured they have at one time or another thought it! And if you disagree, then please do tell me your secret! I believe it is natural for a child and parent to have power struggles and if we are disciplining them correctly, then we must expect not to be liked at times.  However, as much as children hate being disciplined, secretly deep down in their soul, they are happy that we care enough to try to correct their behaviour.  There is nothing more sad than a parent who has given up on this, and a child will sense that.  In our home, after a much needed hiding or having her gadgets removed, my daughter becomes much more pleasant and well-behavioured. When I first heard my daughter say she hated me, I cried in disbelief, thinking of what a failure I was as a mother, but after hearing accounts from other parents, I am relieved that this does seem to be a normal outburst, especially if they have not reached a maturity level of successfully identifying and expressing their emotions correctly.  

How we respond though is crucial... We may feel tempted to shout back in anger, but I have found that by letting them know you are sorry they feel that way, and that you know they don't really mean it and that you still love them, can often diffuse their anger, to some degree. We need to remember that it is not an easy job to guide and train up a rebellious child, but firm and consistent discipline will and does pay off in the end.  Your child needs to know that you will not stand for unruly, defiant and disobedient behaviour, because if the truth be told, if we don't make a stand on this, we will fall for anything!! And if you feel like you have failed on this, remember it is never too late to start! Have a talk with them today, set out your boundaries and your expectations, explain the consequences of what they can expect and perhaps even a reward you know will help them comply.  I would also suggest apologising to them for having failed them in this regard, and then, take it one day at a time...

It's normal!

When my daughter started her period at the young age of 11, I was relieved that I had already prepared her for it, so instead of being scared or confused, she knew exactly what it was, and what she needed to do. What I didn't know or could remember from my period starting, was that it is quite normal to miss one or two months in the beginning, and for some to be lighter or heavier than others. I also didn't know that women in the same household will automatically synchronise their menstruation cycle's to start round about the same time - much to the horror of my husband...  One bit of advise I can offer is to use the many apps available that can help your daughter to plan and prepare her for her next period - and an app for me to know when to expect her PMS moods, so I can have a little bit more understanding for her outbursts. Let's face it, hormones are the bane of our existence, but if we are prepared for them, we can learn to adjust our sails and survive and control them, without them controlling us! 

Determining your Child's Currency

As your child gets older,  you will still find plenty of situations where you will need to discipline them for purposely misbehaving.  However, the naughty step or being sent to their room only works up to a certain age.  

Following the advice from Dr Phil, I've learnt that every child has their own currency to which they will respond to the best - for some it is money, to another it's watching TV, sweets or pudding and many like mine, it's gadgets!! When my daughter has an attitude problem, is cheeky or defiant, I give her a warning that her gadgets will be removed for a 24 hour period if she doesn't change it, correct it or stop it, whatever the behaviour.  This usually works wonders, but when it doesn't, I am consistent in following through with my threat.  Depending on the severity of the 'crime', it can be all or just one of her gadgets ie phone, iPad or XBox.

I also make it clear to her that I'm not doing it to be mean, but to help her learn how to adjust her behaviour and attitude with a consequence she will feel the most, because it's her currency! I discovered very quickly that deducting pocket money has no effect on her whatsoever, but threatening and then removing her gadgets for a time, seems to work wonders.  

What is your child's currency?  What can they not live without and will be a consequence that will be most effective for them?