Yup, it's that obvious - when you impose rules on your children, without it coming from a loving relationship with them, it will most certainly lead to rebellion. Children need to know that the rules or boundaries have been made for their benefit, not just to be cruel, but for a reason they are too young to fully understand yet. Like, for example, bed-time... When your child says that we are mean to make them go to bed so early and all their friends go to bed so much later, we need to explain to them the consequences of sleep deprivation and the importance of getting enough sleep!
In saying that, we as parents also need to make sure we are setting rules that do have a benefit, as quite often they don't. Sometimes we set rules just because we had to live by them as children, with very little thought to the why. Especially when you have a dictatorship parenting style, often rules are made just to show who's boss - especially with all those 'No' rules. I believe it's time we as parent's start to analyze the rules we have in our home, and to throw out or adjust them accordingly. We live in a new generation, so we need to adapt to our children's needs, setting boundaries and rules to keep them from harming themselves, both physically and emotionally. Rules and boundaries are what make's a child feel safe, so it's up to us to set the right ones and make sure that there are effective consequences in place for when they break them - but always to be enforced and administered with love!!
I have heard it said that if your child hates you, then you can be proud that you are doing a good job as a parent! If they haven't said it to your face, then rest assured they have at one time or another thought it! And if you disagree, then please do tell me your secret! I believe it is natural for a child and parent to have power struggles and if we are disciplining them correctly, then we must expect not to be liked at times. However, as much as children hate being disciplined, secretly deep down in their soul, they are happy that we care enough to try to correct their behaviour. There is nothing more sad than a parent who has given up on this, and a child will sense that. In our home, after a much needed hiding or having her gadgets removed, my daughter becomes much more pleasant and well-behavioured. When I first heard my daughter say she hated me, I cried in disbelief, thinking of what a failure I was as a mother, but after hearing accounts from other parents, I am relieved that this does seem to be a normal outburst, especially if they have not reached a maturity level of successfully identifying and expressing their emotions correctly.
How we respond though is crucial... We may feel tempted to shout back in anger, but I have found that by letting them know you are sorry they feel that way, and that you know they don't really mean it and that you still love them, can often diffuse their anger, to some degree. We need to remember that it is not an easy job to guide and train up a rebellious child, but firm and consistent discipline will and does pay off in the end. Your child needs to know that you will not stand for unruly, defiant and disobedient behaviour, because if the truth be told, if we don't make a stand on this, we will fall for anything!! And if you feel like you have failed on this, remember it is never too late to start! Have a talk with them today, set out your boundaries and your expectations, explain the consequences of what they can expect and perhaps even a reward you know will help them comply. I would also suggest apologising to them for having failed them in this regard, and then, take it one day at a time...
When my daughter started her period at the young age of 11, I was relieved that I had already prepared her for it, so instead of being scared or confused, she knew exactly what it was, and what she needed to do. What I didn't know or could remember from my period starting, was that it is quite normal to miss one or two months in the beginning, and for some to be lighter or heavier than others. I also didn't know that women in the same household will automatically synchronise their menstruation cycle's to start round about the same time - much to the horror of my husband... One bit of advise I can offer is to use the many apps available that can help your daughter to plan and prepare her for her next period - and an app for me to know when to expect her PMS moods, so I can have a little bit more understanding for her outbursts. Let's face it, hormones are the bane of our existence, but if we are prepared for them, we can learn to adjust our sails and survive and control them, without them controlling us!
As your child gets older, you will still find plenty of situations where you will need to discipline them for purposely misbehaving. However, the naughty step or being sent to their room only works up to a certain age.
Following the advice from Dr Phil, I've learnt that every child has their own currency to which they will respond to the best - for some it is money, to another it's watching TV, sweets or pudding and many like mine, it's gadgets!! When my daughter has an attitude problem, is cheeky or defiant, I give her a warning that her gadgets will be removed for a 24 hour period if she doesn't change it, correct it or stop it, whatever the behaviour. This usually works wonders, but when it doesn't, I am consistent in following through with my threat. Depending on the severity of the 'crime', it can be all or just one of her gadgets ie phone, iPad or XBox.
I also make it clear to her that I'm not doing it to be mean, but to help her learn how to adjust her behaviour and attitude with a consequence she will feel the most, because it's her currency! I discovered very quickly that deducting pocket money has no effect on her whatsoever, but threatening and then removing her gadgets for a time, seems to work wonders.
What is your child's currency? What can they not live without and will be a consequence that will be most effective for them?
