Reality Discipline

One of the hardest jobs I've found as a mother is knowing when and how to discipline. I've recently learnt that the root word for discipline comes from disciple which in a nut shell means to teach, train and mentor.  Reality discipline is a relatively new concept that teaches lessons to our child based on the consequences of their behaviour. The trick is to use every opportunity to teach them a life lesson that will benefit them as they grow up into the real world. Shielding them from failure or by not allowing them to loose a game does not help them.  

We may think that we are protecting their self-esteem, but that is not the case. Self-esteem is derived from knowing their value and worth as a contributing member of the family and not through their successes alone. We need to prepare our children for the cruel, hard realities of life in the real world and to teach them that there is a consequence for every actions, whether good or bad.  By doing this, we will be teaching them how to learn from their mistakes and make a better decision next time.  Not every bad behaviour needs to be punished, but it does need a consequence that fits the crime that will help them to correct their behaviour in the long term.  Disciplining with love as a foundation is crucial to winning your child's respect and maintaining a balanced and correct authority position.  Rules without the relationship just leads to rebellion. Your child needs to know that you love them enough to want to help them to grow up into a loving, caring and responsible adult!

Teaching Respect

To me, one of the most important characteristics I aim to teach my daughter is respect! Although I agree that one must be shown respect in order to naturally want to give it, I feel it is one area in our society that is sadly deteriorating.  For me, respect is both for self and towards others. Self-respect is not allowing others to mistreat you; to stand up for yourself and to believe that your opinion matters. It also means dressing modestly and keeping yourself clean and your room tidy, not because 'mummy says so', but because it matters to you too. I've taught my daughter that you cannot respect others if you have no respect for yourself. Respecting us as her parents and others is to look at us when we talk to her;  to pause her game and to listen to what we are saying and to reply politely. When we call her, she knows to acknowledge us and to come when we tell her to. Being considerate of others is another form of showing respect to them. Another important lesson is to teach them to respect authority.

We may not always agree with the teacher, the policeman or person in authority or uniform, but it is our civil duty to always show them respect, not so much as their person, but for the position they hold. Showing respect to your elders or those older than you is also important. I think it is important to socialise your children with elders other than just their Grandparents.  Children need to understand that with age comes wisdom and experience and that there is always something to learn from them.  It may take patience on our part, but it benefits us to take the time.  

One way I've taught this is by including my daughter in my visits to an elderly widow friend I have, which she always enjoys. Showing respect to others is also through our manners - to remember to always say please and thank you. The earlier you teach this to them, the more habit-forming it will become.  My daughter knows also that gifts must always be acknowledged and thanked for, even if she doesn't like it. 

Love Languages

If you've never heard of Author Gary Chapman's books on Love Languages, then I can definitely recommend it! In a nutshell, he explains that every person, in this case, a child, feels and expresses love in different ways.  We all have a 'love' tank that needs to be kept full and when it's not, this is emotionally expressed as bad behaviour.  

 

The 5 love languages are, in no particular order are; quality time, touch, expressions of love in words, gifts and finally, acts of service . Unfortunately, trying to decipher which is your child's dominant language can sometimes be hard to do, so I suggest that to ensure a balanced, happy child, you need to make sure all of them are expressed equally and regularly!  

 

To further explain what I mean by bad behaviour, let me share an incident with you. Before I fully appreciated the importance of expressing all the love languages, my daughter had been going through a particularly clingy, whiny phase. I was extremely pre-occupied at the time in setting up my own business, but when I realised how her behaviour had suddenly changed, I decided to have a heart to heart with her about it. When she shared how I had been neglecting her by not spending time with her, I resolved to change that. I quickly discovered that by just spending a half hour of quality one-on-one time with her daily, her original good behaviour quickly returned!

Mentoring your Child

A few years ago, I was driving home with my 8 year old daughter. She had messed on her hands doing a craft and was busy cleaning them with a wet wipe. When she was finished, she was just about to throw it out the car window when I stopped her in great alarm! It turns out that I had never 'taught' her that it was wrong to throw litter out a car window and that this was supposedly never taught at school. It made me realise how important it is to consciously teach our children right from wrong in a mentoring kind of way. By mentoring them, we have the ability to come along side them and help them to learn right from wrong, by sharing with them the consequences of their actions, thereby helping them to understand life's lessons for themselves. We really need to let them learn from our own mistakes and not just have a 'Because mum says so' attitude. I remind myself that children are like sponges, constantly learning from our example, and eager to learn what we have to teach them. But they are also like blank canvases that need to be instructed and fed with knowledge and truth!  
As a recent Home educator, I realise the importance of using every opportunity to teach them something.  I like to think that I'm following the 24/7 Curriculum of constant learning! The great thing is, that as a Christian, it is amazing how often things in the natural can so often give us lesson about God!

Fashion Dillemmas

Today has been a rather stressful one for me!  After month's of complaining of my daughter's clothing bulging at the seams of her wardrobe, we finally decided to have a much needed clear out. Although I had been noticing her not wearing a lot of the items, I have been living in denial that the reason for that was that she just didn't like them. In all honesty, these were item that had been on sale which I had purchased for her without her approval - items that I loved and wanted to see her in them! But alas, although my little mini-me may look a lot like me, it would appear that our fashion tastes are quite different. Although I was touched when she told me she had kept all the items because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, I am rather annoyed that because she didn't feel she could be honest with me, it has ended up hurting my pocket.  I find it difficult to understand why she doesn't like the clothes - whether this is because of peer pressure or that it just isn't cool to wear dresses and skirts anymore, I don't know.  For a long time I have caused myself a lot of unnecessary stress for myself in trying to force her to wear things I liked, but I think I am finally finding the grace to let go of this battle and allow her to discover her own sense of style, without me interfering.  Whether I will be able to do this and still keep her clothing modest and feminine is another story...  I guess this is just one of those challenging areas of motherhood that God uses to grow our fruits!

Creating Memories

I was thinking about the ay it was my daughter's Build-a-Bear monkey George's 1st birthday and how excited we all were! Call me daft, but I believe it is important to create memories for our children. To them, their so-called soft toys are an important part of their lives and to celebrate this with her is as important as doing it for any friend. So on the morning of the big day, I got up early, blew up some balloons and even put up the birthday banner. I even had a cup-cake ready with a candle and had placed his card (handmade with love by my daughter) and the wrapped present (a pair of sunglasses) on the lounge table, so when she brought him down in the morning, it was all a big surprise! It only took half an hour in preparation, but I know my daughter appreciated my effort and will look back on it with a fond memories. Yes, I could have done the practical thing in pointing out that a soft-toy is just that a toy and doesn't celebrate birthdays, but it is the anniversary of him being such a huge part of our family.  George came with us on our holiday to Rome, passport and all, and looking back at all the photographs, we seem to have more photos of him than of our daughter! I don't know if enabling her is a good thing, but as an only child, I am comforted that she never feels alone or scared with George by her side, and as I hope one day for God to replace that crutch in her life, I am happy to play along in stretching her imagination in the meantime.

Gift of Motherhood

I was asked by my Pastor to give my Motherhood testimony at a Mother's Day service, and in preparing for what I was going to say for it, I was amazed to discover how much God has taught me over the years! 

Although my daughter has certainly brought me the greatest joy to my life, she has also been my biggest spiritual furnace!  I realise now that God knows exactly what kind of child will be our greatest refiner that will grow us into the woman He wants us to be.  He knew what buttons they would press in us and what challenges they would bring, but thankfully He also offers us His wisdom, patience and strength to be a good Mother and teaches us how to train up our children correctly. 

We may not always get it right, but I've discovered that when we are tuned into God's Holy Spirit, we will be led by an inner intuition that I believe God gives all Mother’s for this task.  It's that little 'deep-down-feeling' we get when we know that our child is too sick for school, when it is serious enough to seek a doctor or just knowing that there is something bothering them. 

One very important lesson God taught me during my daughter’s tantrum years, was that her outbursts were very often an emotion she didn't yet know how to express.  In seeking God's wisdom in every situation, I was often able to help her identify the emotion and was soon able to bring calm to the situation. 

I believe that we should view Motherhood as the gift that it is instead of a chore, and that it is God’s purpose to use our children to help us to mature and become the woman He desires us to be.   I suppose the same can be said about our spouses, but that’s another story…