When your child says they hate you...

I have heard it said that if your child hates you, then you can be proud that you are doing a good job as a parent! If they haven't said it to your face, then rest assured they have at one time or another thought it! And if you disagree, then please do tell me your secret! I believe it is natural for a child and parent to have power struggles and if we are disciplining them correctly, then we must expect not to be liked at times.  However, as much as children hate being disciplined, secretly deep down in their soul, they are happy that we care enough to try to correct their behaviour.  There is nothing more sad than a parent who has given up on this, and a child will sense that.  In our home, after a much needed hiding or having her gadgets removed, my daughter becomes much more pleasant and well-behavioured. When I first heard my daughter say she hated me, I cried in disbelief, thinking of what a failure I was as a mother, but after hearing accounts from other parents, I am relieved that this does seem to be a normal outburst, especially if they have not reached a maturity level of successfully identifying and expressing their emotions correctly.  

How we respond though is crucial... We may feel tempted to shout back in anger, but I have found that by letting them know you are sorry they feel that way, and that you know they don't really mean it and that you still love them, can often diffuse their anger, to some degree. We need to remember that it is not an easy job to guide and train up a rebellious child, but firm and consistent discipline will and does pay off in the end.  Your child needs to know that you will not stand for unruly, defiant and disobedient behaviour, because if the truth be told, if we don't make a stand on this, we will fall for anything!! And if you feel like you have failed on this, remember it is never too late to start! Have a talk with them today, set out your boundaries and your expectations, explain the consequences of what they can expect and perhaps even a reward you know will help them comply.  I would also suggest apologising to them for having failed them in this regard, and then, take it one day at a time...

It's normal!

When my daughter started her period at the young age of 11, I was relieved that I had already prepared her for it, so instead of being scared or confused, she knew exactly what it was, and what she needed to do. What I didn't know or could remember from my period starting, was that it is quite normal to miss one or two months in the beginning, and for some to be lighter or heavier than others. I also didn't know that women in the same household will automatically synchronise their menstruation cycle's to start round about the same time - much to the horror of my husband...  One bit of advise I can offer is to use the many apps available that can help your daughter to plan and prepare her for her next period - and an app for me to know when to expect her PMS moods, so I can have a little bit more understanding for her outbursts. Let's face it, hormones are the bane of our existence, but if we are prepared for them, we can learn to adjust our sails and survive and control them, without them controlling us! 

Determining your Child's Currency

As your child gets older,  you will still find plenty of situations where you will need to discipline them for purposely misbehaving.  However, the naughty step or being sent to their room only works up to a certain age.  

Following the advice from Dr Phil, I've learnt that every child has their own currency to which they will respond to the best - for some it is money, to another it's watching TV, sweets or pudding and many like mine, it's gadgets!! When my daughter has an attitude problem, is cheeky or defiant, I give her a warning that her gadgets will be removed for a 24 hour period if she doesn't change it, correct it or stop it, whatever the behaviour.  This usually works wonders, but when it doesn't, I am consistent in following through with my threat.  Depending on the severity of the 'crime', it can be all or just one of her gadgets ie phone, iPad or XBox.

I also make it clear to her that I'm not doing it to be mean, but to help her learn how to adjust her behaviour and attitude with a consequence she will feel the most, because it's her currency! I discovered very quickly that deducting pocket money has no effect on her whatsoever, but threatening and then removing her gadgets for a time, seems to work wonders.  

What is your child's currency?  What can they not live without and will be a consequence that will be most effective for them? 
 

Understanding our Child's Temperament

I have always been interested in learning new tools to help get on with my daughter better, so you can imagine my delight in learning that our clashes are often the result of her having a different temperament to my own! There are many schools of thought to the 4 different temperaments and a number of different tests you can do to determine yours and your children's but more importantly, how to relate to them in relation to theirs.  There is even a clever concept by Evergreen Parenting, where the 4 different temperaments are compared to different trees.  Unfortunately these tests don't always show a clear cut conclusion as very often we have a combination of two or more temperaments, but hopefully you will be able to determine what the dominant one is.
 
I do not think it is by accident that God so often creates our children with very different temperaments to our own. How else would we get the opportunity to practice getting along with the rest of humanity, than with our own children, in the comfort and intimacy of our own home? 

If you have never considered the topic of temperaments, then I strongly suggest you look into this, as I am confident it will go a long way in smoothing all your relationships when you are equipped with this kind of knowledge.  When you know how to relate to your child's temperament, then the clashes will cease and you will all be a much happier and peaceful family!

Taming their Tantrums

There is nothing as frustrating as dealing with your child's tantrum - especially when the reason doesn't seem to make any sense!  There were many situations that left me bewildered as to why my daughter would explode for no apparent reason, and I often found myself making excuses for her behaviour. I blamed it on her either being tired or hungry, when the reason was obviously just her not getting her own way! 

The truth is that these excuses were more for my benefit! It comforted me to have a reason for the tantrum, because I felt that if there was no reason, it would highlight my obvious lack of control of her and of the situation.  Although my offered excuses may have intensified the tantrum, the bottom line is always just a battle of the wills!  

An important lesson to learn is that how you react to their tantrums will either make things worse or help to calm them down!  I often found that there was no right formulae to follow, as each situation was uniquely different, and therefore needed to be handled differently.  What did help me was to try and identify the emotion she was experiencing, acknowledge it verbally in a calm voice, and to present a distraction that would help alleviate the tension.  What you should never do is to shout back or dare I say it, hit them!  If they have a tantrum in a public place, be firm that that kind of behaviour is unacceptable - don't be tempted to pacify them with sweets, as they will only learn to identify that as a reward for the next time.  

Be consistent in how you react to the tantrum and remember to still love the child unconditionally, inspite of their behaviour!  Your child needs to feel that you love them, both in your words and in your actions. You have to learn to separate the behaviour from who they really are, and stop calling them naughty or bad - they are still your precious child that is simply behaving naughty. So often as parents, we take on a certain shame when our children get out of control in public, because we somehow feel responsible for their behaviour.  But the truth is we are not - our responsibility is only how we handle it.  By training our children what is the right and wrong kind of behaviour, and being consistent about it, will go a long way in raising a more tolerable child. 

However, we have to remember that perfect parents still do not necessarily create a perfect child, and no matter how hard we try, our child will still end up testing the boundaries, purely because they do not yet have the language skills to express their emotions, or have learnt yet how to handle them.  

Crying Babies

Yesterday I saw a 'chunky' baby and it reminded me of my precious angel when she was a baby! Since then, I've learnt that babies don't only cry when they are hungry...  As a new mother, I was naive to the sounds of her cries and it shames me to think I taught her to comfort eat at such a young age!

As a new mom, you need to know that babies cry for many reasons - they can even sense your mood, so if you are tearful and unhappy, they will be too!

Needing to be burped is a difficult problem to decode, other than perhaps some whiteness above the top lip.  Sometimes it is just the comfort of sucking that is required, which can be easily achieved through the use of a dummy or aptly named 'pacifier', or if you are against using these, and your fingers are clean, then try using your pinkie instead. 

As your baby grows, teething will be another problem that causes much crying, but may show no other symptoms.  Our favourite device for teething was a plastic teether that you could freeze.  Also if you are in South Africa, biltong shops now sell a piece on a string for just this purpose, which I can report, works brilliantly!

At the time my daughter was born, the books I was reading seemed to promote demand feeding, but I guess you need to know your babies hungry cry to achieve this successfully! If you are unsure, like I was, then my advice is to try everything else first and if the crying still persists, then go ahead and feed, but remember, breast is always best and check your times that your child is at least getting sufficiently fed! This can be tricky when you breast feed, but if you at least keep a record of your times, the Sister at the Clinic will be able to set your mind at ease.  Plus their weigh-ins will be able to tell you if you are under or overfeeding anyway! 

Enjoy and remember a crying baby, is not always a hungry one...

A Time to be Bored

One of the reasons for starting this blog was to be able to share my parenting mistakes with other mom's so they can learn from me and avoid them in their own lives.  So, allow me to share one of my biggest regrets... and that is not allowing my daughter to ever be bored!  

From a very young age, I have taken up the task of providing constant entertainment and activities for my daughter, whether it was traveling by car, eating out at a restaurant or just passing time during the day.  I guess I had bought into the lie that idle hands is the devil's work and in an attempt not to make her lazy, I went to extreme measures of keeping her entertained.  

However, I realise now what a mistake this was and now at 10years old, without the usual gadgets or TV, she does not know how to occupy herself.  Granted, she is an only child, which makes 'playing' a little more difficult, but I've since learnt that children NEED boredom in order to engage their creative minds and to learn how to entertain themselves without the use of technology.  

So it's okay for them to have to watch the scenery instead in the car or converse with us while we wait for our dinner and when you hear that whine of 'I'm bored', but glad and thankful for it...  Don't rush in with ideas for them, but allow them to find things for themselves to do.  Have a creative corner in the house where you can provide the materials and tools where they make things to play with.  And when all else fails, and you see them day-dreaming, smile to yourself and know that their brains are finding their own path to a better imagination with the added benefit of some calmness and peace...