My 18 Best Parenting Tips

In honor of my daughter's recent 18th Birthday, I thought I’d share my top 18 parenting tips with you, in no particular order.

Many of these I unfortunately had to learn from experience, in what not to do, so hopefully you will be able to avoid making some of the same mistakes I did.

Some of these could be elaborated on, so if you need some clarity on what I mean, or how to carry out any of these tips, please message me and I will be happy to guide you.

1. Teach them about God and Godly values openly and in practical ways
2. Focus on the emotion they are experiencing and not just the behavior
3. Focus on building character, and not always to keep them happy
4. Appreciate Parenthood as a gift from God, and not as a sacrificial chore
5. Making memories is much more important than spoiling them with bought things
6. Let them be bored, for therein lies their creativity and imagination
7. Always react to their tantrums in a calm voice and a firm tone
8. Acknowledge the effort as well, when celebrating achievements
9. Accept them for how God made them and don’t try to change them into you
10. Use every opportunity as a teaching moment and every experience as a life lesson
11. Discovery your child’s Love language and make sure show it daily
12. Teach your child respect, manners and self-control from an early age
13. Discipline with love, with consequences to change the behavior and not with punishment
14. Always be consistent, even when you don’t feel like it
15. Teach them that no always means no, but also be flexible to compromise
16. Limit their access to screens and gadgets and install security software to protect them
17. Never tolerate disrespect, defiance or purposeful disobedience
18. And last but not least, stay humble, be forgivable and keep trying with each day…

 

How to Disciple your Children

 

• As parents, we need to leave our children with a Spiritual legacy as well – so that they will grow up to have a faith of their own that they can stand on.
• Teaching children about God is a journey that needs to be partnered with the Holy Spirit
• Without the Holy Spirit, spiritual teaching becomes religious and boring – with the Holy Spirit, it becomes adventurous, fun and exciting.
• The Holy Spirit is our helper, comforter and guide in this journey with raising the next generation.
• We need to teach our children how to obey us, otherwise they will never learn how to obey God.
• We need to teach our children how to serve others and let them see how to be a good host.
• We need to let them see how we react to life’s pressures and how we receive people, especially strangers.
• We need to share our life’s ups and downs with them and show them how to express comfort.
• We need to teach them how to pray, and pray in the spirit in front of them so they won’t think its weird.
• We need to teach them how to reach out to the left behind, the lost and the new kids.
• We need to show them how to say sorry and how to forgive others. We need to be vulnerable in front of our kids and not be afraid to cry when we are sad.
• We need to have rules about how to react with anger – find out what helps them to calm down and get back their self-control (scream into a pillow, punch the pillow, music… etc)
• It is the parents’ responsibility to disciple – not the church and definitely not the school.
• The family also has a responsibility in helping to raise your children – Ubuntu movement is where the community gets involved. You are setting an example for other peoples’ children – not just your own.
• Don’t keep your children too busy with extra murals that they have no time to ‘see’ you doing life.
• To teach children life skills and Godly values, we need to show them how and why.
• We need to ask what the school is teaching them and correct and explain from a Godly world view – to give them clear direction and right any wrongs. Don’t let them get confused about their identity or gender – speak the truth from God’s word.
• It is hard work being a parent – we are their teachers, employed by God.
• We need to remember to teach our children that life’s goal and purpose is NOT to be happy and that life is still good when life is bad. Bad times build character.
• Being happy is not a human right – being joyful is a fruit of living a spiritual life well.
• We need to show and be the love of Christ to them – not always perfect, but perfect in love.
• We need to show our children how we worship God, not just at church, but at home as well, in song and dance – freely, and let them know why it is important.
• We need to analyse our priorities and free up time so we can have more time with our children. Change your routine if you have to, but without quality time together, there will be no chance to make any positive impact in their lives.
• Start listening to a new voice in your head – the Holy Spirit, for when you are spiritually minded, you will have life and peace, no matter what your circumstances.
• We need to start talking about what God means to us and share our testimonies with them, so we can stir up their faith.
• We need to let them see the power of the Holy Spirit with healing and miracles and teach them God’s promises, but be natural about it.
• We need to be interceding for our kids to help fight their battles for them, spiritually, so they can stand up strong physically.
• We need to teach them that sin and disobedience have consequences. Disciple and discipline come from the same Latin root word, pupil – the purpose of discipline is to teach them how to change their behaviour.
• We cannot disciple our kids well, if we are not first disciplined ourselves (in control)
• To show a good example, we must first be a good example. 
• IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO START…

Reference : Notes taken as per teaching by Alida Bornman - Shofar Church

Mothering God's Children

Motherhood is probably the hardest job in the world!  There will be times when you will want to resign from the job or run away from the responsiblity and stress of it all, but hang in there...

I want to share a tip that has helped me greatly and has changed the way I parent - it's by changing your attitude and your perspective of your relationship with your child.

When you parent your child as 'YOUR' child, you tend to take the burden of their behaviour very personally, and see it as a reflection of you, as a failling parent.

However, I have discovered that when you see your child as 'GOD's' child, you are less likely to take their behaviour personally, and more likely to react better, by being more patient and forgiving.

Sometimes when I'm having a really tough time with my teenage daughter, I literally imagine myself as 'babysitting' or looking after God's child and not mine.  If you think about it, our children do really belong to God.  He entrusts us to look after them whilst we are on earth, but ultimately they are God's children, and not ours alone.

Somehow, this perspective takes away the stress of the whole motherhood responsiblity in having to have all the answers, and allows us to cry out to God for help more - I have on more than one occasion pleaded with God to deal with His kids, when I have reached the end of my rope.

Then I've walk away and most times, when I return later, I find a different, apologetic child, knowing that God has stepped in to take charge of the situation.

Rules - Relationship = Rebellion

Yup, it's that obvious - when you impose rules on your children, without it coming from a loving relationship with them, it will most certainly lead to rebellion.  Children need to know that the rules or boundaries have been made for their benefit, not just to be cruel, but for a reason they are too young to fully understand yet.  Like, for example, bed-time... When your child says that we are mean to make them go to bed so early and all their friends go to bed so much later, we need to explain to them the consequences of sleep deprivation and the importance of getting enough sleep! 

In saying that, we as parents also need to make sure we are setting rules that do have a benefit, as quite often they don't.  Sometimes we set rules just because we had to live by them as children, with very little thought to the why.  Especially when you have a dictatorship parenting style, often rules are made just to show who's boss - especially with all those 'No' rules.  I believe it's time we as parent's start to analyze the rules we have in our home, and to throw out or adjust them accordingly.   We live in a new generation, so we need to adapt to our children's needs, setting boundaries and rules to keep them from harming themselves, both physically and emotionally.  Rules and boundaries are what make's a child feel safe, so it's up to us to set the right ones and make sure that there are effective consequences in place for when they break them - but always to be enforced and administered with love!!

When your child says they hate you...

I have heard it said that if your child hates you, then you can be proud that you are doing a good job as a parent! If they haven't said it to your face, then rest assured they have at one time or another thought it! And if you disagree, then please do tell me your secret! I believe it is natural for a child and parent to have power struggles and if we are disciplining them correctly, then we must expect not to be liked at times.  However, as much as children hate being disciplined, secretly deep down in their soul, they are happy that we care enough to try to correct their behaviour.  There is nothing more sad than a parent who has given up on this, and a child will sense that.  In our home, after a much needed hiding or having her gadgets removed, my daughter becomes much more pleasant and well-behavioured. When I first heard my daughter say she hated me, I cried in disbelief, thinking of what a failure I was as a mother, but after hearing accounts from other parents, I am relieved that this does seem to be a normal outburst, especially if they have not reached a maturity level of successfully identifying and expressing their emotions correctly.  

How we respond though is crucial... We may feel tempted to shout back in anger, but I have found that by letting them know you are sorry they feel that way, and that you know they don't really mean it and that you still love them, can often diffuse their anger, to some degree. We need to remember that it is not an easy job to guide and train up a rebellious child, but firm and consistent discipline will and does pay off in the end.  Your child needs to know that you will not stand for unruly, defiant and disobedient behaviour, because if the truth be told, if we don't make a stand on this, we will fall for anything!! And if you feel like you have failed on this, remember it is never too late to start! Have a talk with them today, set out your boundaries and your expectations, explain the consequences of what they can expect and perhaps even a reward you know will help them comply.  I would also suggest apologising to them for having failed them in this regard, and then, take it one day at a time...

It's normal!

When my daughter started her period at the young age of 11, I was relieved that I had already prepared her for it, so instead of being scared or confused, she knew exactly what it was, and what she needed to do. What I didn't know or could remember from my period starting, was that it is quite normal to miss one or two months in the beginning, and for some to be lighter or heavier than others. I also didn't know that women in the same household will automatically synchronise their menstruation cycle's to start round about the same time - much to the horror of my husband...  One bit of advise I can offer is to use the many apps available that can help your daughter to plan and prepare her for her next period - and an app for me to know when to expect her PMS moods, so I can have a little bit more understanding for her outbursts. Let's face it, hormones are the bane of our existence, but if we are prepared for them, we can learn to adjust our sails and survive and control them, without them controlling us! 

Determining your Child's Currency

As your child gets older,  you will still find plenty of situations where you will need to discipline them for purposely misbehaving.  However, the naughty step or being sent to their room only works up to a certain age.  

Following the advice from Dr Phil, I've learnt that every child has their own currency to which they will respond to the best - for some it is money, to another it's watching TV, sweets or pudding and many like mine, it's gadgets!! When my daughter has an attitude problem, is cheeky or defiant, I give her a warning that her gadgets will be removed for a 24 hour period if she doesn't change it, correct it or stop it, whatever the behaviour.  This usually works wonders, but when it doesn't, I am consistent in following through with my threat.  Depending on the severity of the 'crime', it can be all or just one of her gadgets ie phone, iPad or XBox.

I also make it clear to her that I'm not doing it to be mean, but to help her learn how to adjust her behaviour and attitude with a consequence she will feel the most, because it's her currency! I discovered very quickly that deducting pocket money has no effect on her whatsoever, but threatening and then removing her gadgets for a time, seems to work wonders.  

What is your child's currency?  What can they not live without and will be a consequence that will be most effective for them? 
 

Understanding our Child's Temperament

I have always been interested in learning new tools to help get on with my daughter better, so you can imagine my delight in learning that our clashes are often the result of her having a different temperament to my own! There are many schools of thought to the 4 different temperaments and a number of different tests you can do to determine yours and your children's but more importantly, how to relate to them in relation to theirs.  There is even a clever concept by Evergreen Parenting, where the 4 different temperaments are compared to different trees.  Unfortunately these tests don't always show a clear cut conclusion as very often we have a combination of two or more temperaments, but hopefully you will be able to determine what the dominant one is.
 
I do not think it is by accident that God so often creates our children with very different temperaments to our own. How else would we get the opportunity to practice getting along with the rest of humanity, than with our own children, in the comfort and intimacy of our own home? 

If you have never considered the topic of temperaments, then I strongly suggest you look into this, as I am confident it will go a long way in smoothing all your relationships when you are equipped with this kind of knowledge.  When you know how to relate to your child's temperament, then the clashes will cease and you will all be a much happier and peaceful family!

Taming their Tantrums

There is nothing as frustrating as dealing with your child's tantrum - especially when the reason doesn't seem to make any sense!  There were many situations that left me bewildered as to why my daughter would explode for no apparent reason, and I often found myself making excuses for her behaviour. I blamed it on her either being tired or hungry, when the reason was obviously just her not getting her own way! 

The truth is that these excuses were more for my benefit! It comforted me to have a reason for the tantrum, because I felt that if there was no reason, it would highlight my obvious lack of control of her and of the situation.  Although my offered excuses may have intensified the tantrum, the bottom line is always just a battle of the wills!  

An important lesson to learn is that how you react to their tantrums will either make things worse or help to calm them down!  I often found that there was no right formulae to follow, as each situation was uniquely different, and therefore needed to be handled differently.  What did help me was to try and identify the emotion she was experiencing, acknowledge it verbally in a calm voice, and to present a distraction that would help alleviate the tension.  What you should never do is to shout back or dare I say it, hit them!  If they have a tantrum in a public place, be firm that that kind of behaviour is unacceptable - don't be tempted to pacify them with sweets, as they will only learn to identify that as a reward for the next time.  

Be consistent in how you react to the tantrum and remember to still love the child unconditionally, inspite of their behaviour!  Your child needs to feel that you love them, both in your words and in your actions. You have to learn to separate the behaviour from who they really are, and stop calling them naughty or bad - they are still your precious child that is simply behaving naughty. So often as parents, we take on a certain shame when our children get out of control in public, because we somehow feel responsible for their behaviour.  But the truth is we are not - our responsibility is only how we handle it.  By training our children what is the right and wrong kind of behaviour, and being consistent about it, will go a long way in raising a more tolerable child. 

However, we have to remember that perfect parents still do not necessarily create a perfect child, and no matter how hard we try, our child will still end up testing the boundaries, purely because they do not yet have the language skills to express their emotions, or have learnt yet how to handle them.  

Crying Babies

Yesterday I saw a 'chunky' baby and it reminded me of my precious angel when she was a baby! Since then, I've learnt that babies don't only cry when they are hungry...  As a new mother, I was naive to the sounds of her cries and it shames me to think I taught her to comfort eat at such a young age!

As a new mom, you need to know that babies cry for many reasons - they can even sense your mood, so if you are tearful and unhappy, they will be too!

Needing to be burped is a difficult problem to decode, other than perhaps some whiteness above the top lip.  Sometimes it is just the comfort of sucking that is required, which can be easily achieved through the use of a dummy or aptly named 'pacifier', or if you are against using these, and your fingers are clean, then try using your pinkie instead. 

As your baby grows, teething will be another problem that causes much crying, but may show no other symptoms.  Our favourite device for teething was a plastic teether that you could freeze.  Also if you are in South Africa, biltong shops now sell a piece on a string for just this purpose, which I can report, works brilliantly!

At the time my daughter was born, the books I was reading seemed to promote demand feeding, but I guess you need to know your babies hungry cry to achieve this successfully! If you are unsure, like I was, then my advice is to try everything else first and if the crying still persists, then go ahead and feed, but remember, breast is always best and check your times that your child is at least getting sufficiently fed! This can be tricky when you breast feed, but if you at least keep a record of your times, the Sister at the Clinic will be able to set your mind at ease.  Plus their weigh-ins will be able to tell you if you are under or overfeeding anyway! 

Enjoy and remember a crying baby, is not always a hungry one...

A Time to be Bored

One of the reasons for starting this blog was to be able to share my parenting mistakes with other mom's so they can learn from me and avoid them in their own lives.  So, allow me to share one of my biggest regrets... and that is not allowing my daughter to ever be bored!  

From a very young age, I have taken up the task of providing constant entertainment and activities for my daughter, whether it was traveling by car, eating out at a restaurant or just passing time during the day.  I guess I had bought into the lie that idle hands is the devil's work and in an attempt not to make her lazy, I went to extreme measures of keeping her entertained.  

However, I realise now what a mistake this was and now at 10years old, without the usual gadgets or TV, she does not know how to occupy herself.  Granted, she is an only child, which makes 'playing' a little more difficult, but I've since learnt that children NEED boredom in order to engage their creative minds and to learn how to entertain themselves without the use of technology.  

So it's okay for them to have to watch the scenery instead in the car or converse with us while we wait for our dinner and when you hear that whine of 'I'm bored', but glad and thankful for it...  Don't rush in with ideas for them, but allow them to find things for themselves to do.  Have a creative corner in the house where you can provide the materials and tools where they make things to play with.  And when all else fails, and you see them day-dreaming, smile to yourself and know that their brains are finding their own path to a better imagination with the added benefit of some calmness and peace... 

The Birds and the Bees

I don't know what the right age is to teach your children about the birds and the bees, but having had a heart to heart talk with my 10 year old daughter recently, I feel it should be sooner rather than later! You would be surprised at how many subliminal messages children are receiving from the media about sex, whether it is through an advert or a music video, or even in my daughter's case, straight from a friend! I was saddened and shocked to discover that my daughter thought sex was this disgusting act that couples did only to make babies.  It was through God's wisdom that I was able to correct this perception she had, and now, instead of fearing sexual intercourse, or as I like to call it, 'love-making', she awaits it as a special marital blessing!

Reality Discipline

One of the hardest jobs I've found as a mother is knowing when and how to discipline. I've recently learnt that the root word for discipline comes from disciple which in a nut shell means to teach, train and mentor.  Reality discipline is a relatively new concept that teaches lessons to our child based on the consequences of their behaviour. The trick is to use every opportunity to teach them a life lesson that will benefit them as they grow up into the real world. Shielding them from failure or by not allowing them to loose a game does not help them.  

We may think that we are protecting their self-esteem, but that is not the case. Self-esteem is derived from knowing their value and worth as a contributing member of the family and not through their successes alone. We need to prepare our children for the cruel, hard realities of life in the real world and to teach them that there is a consequence for every actions, whether good or bad.  By doing this, we will be teaching them how to learn from their mistakes and make a better decision next time.  Not every bad behaviour needs to be punished, but it does need a consequence that fits the crime that will help them to correct their behaviour in the long term.  Disciplining with love as a foundation is crucial to winning your child's respect and maintaining a balanced and correct authority position.  Rules without the relationship just leads to rebellion. Your child needs to know that you love them enough to want to help them to grow up into a loving, caring and responsible adult!

Teaching Respect

To me, one of the most important characteristics I aim to teach my daughter is respect! Although I agree that one must be shown respect in order to naturally want to give it, I feel it is one area in our society that is sadly deteriorating.  For me, respect is both for self and towards others. Self-respect is not allowing others to mistreat you; to stand up for yourself and to believe that your opinion matters. It also means dressing modestly and keeping yourself clean and your room tidy, not because 'mummy says so', but because it matters to you too. I've taught my daughter that you cannot respect others if you have no respect for yourself. Respecting us as her parents and others is to look at us when we talk to her;  to pause her game and to listen to what we are saying and to reply politely. When we call her, she knows to acknowledge us and to come when we tell her to. Being considerate of others is another form of showing respect to them. Another important lesson is to teach them to respect authority.

We may not always agree with the teacher, the policeman or person in authority or uniform, but it is our civil duty to always show them respect, not so much as their person, but for the position they hold. Showing respect to your elders or those older than you is also important. I think it is important to socialise your children with elders other than just their Grandparents.  Children need to understand that with age comes wisdom and experience and that there is always something to learn from them.  It may take patience on our part, but it benefits us to take the time.  

One way I've taught this is by including my daughter in my visits to an elderly widow friend I have, which she always enjoys. Showing respect to others is also through our manners - to remember to always say please and thank you. The earlier you teach this to them, the more habit-forming it will become.  My daughter knows also that gifts must always be acknowledged and thanked for, even if she doesn't like it. 

Love Languages

If you've never heard of Author Gary Chapman's books on Love Languages, then I can definitely recommend it! In a nutshell, he explains that every person, in this case, a child, feels and expresses love in different ways.  We all have a 'love' tank that needs to be kept full and when it's not, this is emotionally expressed as bad behaviour.  

 

The 5 love languages are, in no particular order are; quality time, touch, expressions of love in words, gifts and finally, acts of service . Unfortunately, trying to decipher which is your child's dominant language can sometimes be hard to do, so I suggest that to ensure a balanced, happy child, you need to make sure all of them are expressed equally and regularly!  

 

To further explain what I mean by bad behaviour, let me share an incident with you. Before I fully appreciated the importance of expressing all the love languages, my daughter had been going through a particularly clingy, whiny phase. I was extremely pre-occupied at the time in setting up my own business, but when I realised how her behaviour had suddenly changed, I decided to have a heart to heart with her about it. When she shared how I had been neglecting her by not spending time with her, I resolved to change that. I quickly discovered that by just spending a half hour of quality one-on-one time with her daily, her original good behaviour quickly returned!

Mentoring your Child

A few years ago, I was driving home with my 8 year old daughter. She had messed on her hands doing a craft and was busy cleaning them with a wet wipe. When she was finished, she was just about to throw it out the car window when I stopped her in great alarm! It turns out that I had never 'taught' her that it was wrong to throw litter out a car window and that this was supposedly never taught at school. It made me realise how important it is to consciously teach our children right from wrong in a mentoring kind of way. By mentoring them, we have the ability to come along side them and help them to learn right from wrong, by sharing with them the consequences of their actions, thereby helping them to understand life's lessons for themselves. We really need to let them learn from our own mistakes and not just have a 'Because mum says so' attitude. I remind myself that children are like sponges, constantly learning from our example, and eager to learn what we have to teach them. But they are also like blank canvases that need to be instructed and fed with knowledge and truth!  
As a recent Home educator, I realise the importance of using every opportunity to teach them something.  I like to think that I'm following the 24/7 Curriculum of constant learning! The great thing is, that as a Christian, it is amazing how often things in the natural can so often give us lesson about God!

Fashion Dillemmas

Today has been a rather stressful one for me!  After month's of complaining of my daughter's clothing bulging at the seams of her wardrobe, we finally decided to have a much needed clear out. Although I had been noticing her not wearing a lot of the items, I have been living in denial that the reason for that was that she just didn't like them. In all honesty, these were item that had been on sale which I had purchased for her without her approval - items that I loved and wanted to see her in them! But alas, although my little mini-me may look a lot like me, it would appear that our fashion tastes are quite different. Although I was touched when she told me she had kept all the items because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, I am rather annoyed that because she didn't feel she could be honest with me, it has ended up hurting my pocket.  I find it difficult to understand why she doesn't like the clothes - whether this is because of peer pressure or that it just isn't cool to wear dresses and skirts anymore, I don't know.  For a long time I have caused myself a lot of unnecessary stress for myself in trying to force her to wear things I liked, but I think I am finally finding the grace to let go of this battle and allow her to discover her own sense of style, without me interfering.  Whether I will be able to do this and still keep her clothing modest and feminine is another story...  I guess this is just one of those challenging areas of motherhood that God uses to grow our fruits!

Creating Memories

I was thinking about the ay it was my daughter's Build-a-Bear monkey George's 1st birthday and how excited we all were! Call me daft, but I believe it is important to create memories for our children. To them, their so-called soft toys are an important part of their lives and to celebrate this with her is as important as doing it for any friend. So on the morning of the big day, I got up early, blew up some balloons and even put up the birthday banner. I even had a cup-cake ready with a candle and had placed his card (handmade with love by my daughter) and the wrapped present (a pair of sunglasses) on the lounge table, so when she brought him down in the morning, it was all a big surprise! It only took half an hour in preparation, but I know my daughter appreciated my effort and will look back on it with a fond memories. Yes, I could have done the practical thing in pointing out that a soft-toy is just that a toy and doesn't celebrate birthdays, but it is the anniversary of him being such a huge part of our family.  George came with us on our holiday to Rome, passport and all, and looking back at all the photographs, we seem to have more photos of him than of our daughter! I don't know if enabling her is a good thing, but as an only child, I am comforted that she never feels alone or scared with George by her side, and as I hope one day for God to replace that crutch in her life, I am happy to play along in stretching her imagination in the meantime.

Gift of Motherhood

I was asked by my Pastor to give my Motherhood testimony at a Mother's Day service, and in preparing for what I was going to say for it, I was amazed to discover how much God has taught me over the years! 

Although my daughter has certainly brought me the greatest joy to my life, she has also been my biggest spiritual furnace!  I realise now that God knows exactly what kind of child will be our greatest refiner that will grow us into the woman He wants us to be.  He knew what buttons they would press in us and what challenges they would bring, but thankfully He also offers us His wisdom, patience and strength to be a good Mother and teaches us how to train up our children correctly. 

We may not always get it right, but I've discovered that when we are tuned into God's Holy Spirit, we will be led by an inner intuition that I believe God gives all Mother’s for this task.  It's that little 'deep-down-feeling' we get when we know that our child is too sick for school, when it is serious enough to seek a doctor or just knowing that there is something bothering them. 

One very important lesson God taught me during my daughter’s tantrum years, was that her outbursts were very often an emotion she didn't yet know how to express.  In seeking God's wisdom in every situation, I was often able to help her identify the emotion and was soon able to bring calm to the situation. 

I believe that we should view Motherhood as the gift that it is instead of a chore, and that it is God’s purpose to use our children to help us to mature and become the woman He desires us to be.   I suppose the same can be said about our spouses, but that’s another story…